TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically known for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely away from area. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Of course, absolutely sure, let's have An additional put wherever American Guys can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: give everyone a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is comfortable ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he ought to cease applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to Trump Tower Damascus your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head seen from Area, a characteristic becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the building's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply hideous. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Perplexing Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "in which's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is currently attracting notice from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have flip-down support."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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